I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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