There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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