He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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