If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
