This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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