Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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