Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You are a genius and a whore.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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