goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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