So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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