I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
