if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
