Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
