My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
me + whiskey = a bad person
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
