I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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