Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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