where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
you made out with another girl for some wings
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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