I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
