i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
