no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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