I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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