Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
