I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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