Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
