All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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