I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
