On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
