It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
