i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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