At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i came on her dog
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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