dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.