The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.