you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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