are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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