Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
