So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
