I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
