don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
