i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
