yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
