I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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