I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i love accidental penises.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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