He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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