Your face is a jimmy john
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
