my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
