i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
