Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She's the barista slut.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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