What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
