WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
