Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
