You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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