Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
