Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
