I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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