The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
