My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
