Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
