I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
