Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
