my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
