the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
