I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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