8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
