Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
